8/2/02 Okay, I admit it. I am scared. That is very hard for me to say because I can not tolerate weakness in myself.
There is so much that I aspire to, yet I am
finite. No matter how much I work for my causes I have
to enevitably fail, and when I fail, I am the last person I
let down, and the most unforgiving.
I am twenty. I can already say if asked that I have lived a full and wonderful life, I have no regrets, but many lessons.
I have worked hard, and will work harder. I am working my way through college, when I was a kid I never
dreamed of college. Now I refuse to let it fall away from
me. What is my Major, what do I want to be? Currently
Psychology, but that means jack, I want to study everything. I want to be everything. I want to be a
better person than I am right now, I want to make the world better place. What do I believe? Very little, very much. I
am a moral non-conformist. Not sure if this is a real term for anything yet, but here is my definition for it. I do not accept
the morality that I have been handed nor do I believe or disbelieve based on anyone else's beliefs, opinions or experiances.
Yes, I will come up with a better defination later. Why? Simply because it is not my own. Everything must be tested in my
proved. Over time I have found things that I have been
taught to be bad to be in ways good, and things that
should have been good to be intolerably wrong.
As far as my religion goes, I don't have one. It is not
right that I should have one. (Not saying that religion is
bad or that those who have them are bad) I have been
studying them all my life, looking for that perfect fit.
But I am finding that my path is one I must find alone
and never know for sure if I am right. I prepared for
years to be a Carmalite nun, and trust me I wanted it.
What stopped me in the end? I did not feel that I was
good enough for the god I believed in, that is the
conclusion I came to after six years of hardcore
penence, searching, praying that poured my heart out
and bruised my knees. There was a peace there, that I
do not deny, but I could not take it, my way was to be
different. Maybe never to be perfect, but to be mine. I
have been many things since then, am obsessed withmy searching, am incurably ceremonial and a little lost.
And now I can only laugh, "how long can a dark night
of the soul possibly last anyway?"
Yes, I still have a sense of sacred. It is that which is
concecrated by life. I used to wonder at how I would
see different people in a bookstore some in the religion section, some in sexuality, others in self help, and still more
in music and I would find it all equally beautiful. Well, this rant is getting quite long and I intend to continue later.
The main thing I wanted to say was simpily, that I am scared, into the void.
8/7/02 Well, I think I have spent most of the day
depressed. However, I don't do depressed well so I
decided to be ticked instead. Why? Just life, just some
of the things that make life beautiful. My own petty
wants and concerns.... Looks like I won't be getting financial aid....so.... anyway.
I am unbelieveably bruised.... and would do it all over
again. I don't know I have a lot on my mind. And it isn't
all bad either. Actually I shouldn't complain at
all.Everyone has things they think about, so what.
Everyone has what they want to be, and I have a
vague idea of what that is, not a good one, but then
again I should be happy that my whole life isn't already
planned. There are still suprizes out there, and very exciting things, a whole lot of work and a hell of a lot of pain.
So things didn't go my way today, so what. I am strong enough to make my way. And tommorrow, is
8/30/02 Well I have been busy and thus neglected my
journal, sorry. So far this summer has been
unbelieveable and full of wild and interesting stories.
Some of those stories I am sorry to say will never make
it on this page. However, in the hopes of preserving
good times, I will make a page with my summer saga.
This will include my trips to Silverleaf Ren Faire as well
as my pilgramage to the Great Lakes Medieval Faire in
Ohio, which was incredible and I got to spend
"Quality time with WhipBoy, Brett Copes" and I also got
to meet Dominic, who was definately one of the
sweetest guys I have met. Anyway, soon you will have
the censored version of my summer!!! Huzzah!!!!