5/30/02 I went with my sister today to pick up her son, at the school I used
to attend. It is so suprizing the effect such little things might have on us. While waiting, I noticed a man now distinguished
with white hair and the signs of age. In him I recognized a younger man I once knew. His name is Mr. Weiss, he was my fourth
grade teacher and role model for years after.... maybe even now. Suddenly I remembered how he used to read to me, The Pridain
Cronicles, Lloyd Alexander. I could almost smell the vanilla incence he would light in class as we would all drink coconut
milk and dream aloud to each other. A thousand things I suddenly remembered and I appreciated this old man so much suddenly.
He saw the world as being alive with some invincible beauty and because of him, I walked away with a peice of that vision.
It seemed he recognized me for a moment and I lowered my eyes to the ground as I passed by.
5/22/02 I wanted to cry today, but couldn't. I wanted to just throw myself
down and sob, instead I finished off a report and made sure to go to the bank.
I don't cry often but when I do it is silent. Very few have actually seen me
do so. Today, I wanted to scream out in a way that would cause the Earth to tremble with emotion. Instead I lingered in the
Cafe playing with my glass.
5/17/02 I have finished off the book Siddahartha, and I would recommend it.
As far as story goes I have seen better, but that isn't what it is about at all.
It seems to be about searching, a life journey. Siddahartha goes on a journey
he must make alone, though it seems he is always with someone. He looks to both virtue and vice, he has been a beggar and
a rich man, he has spoken to Budda and listened to a river. It shows him as an old man who has failed and seeing his
foolishness tries to end it. He seems to be continally reborn in his life and is never the same aspect of the person he is
for too long. And in the end he reaches perfection,Nirvana... leaving no doctrines or paths to follow. He leaves you to your
journey alone to stumble and fall. To discover and be amazed with no way to communicate this or share. You must find your
own way. It gives you a lot to think about.
5/3/02 I have started to have dreams again. For so long sleep has only
been what happens when I fall down exhausted and drained and the next time I open my eyes it is light and I go on, as if no
time has passed. And it seemed as a weakness, folly, and pointless. I still haven't changed all of those veiws. But, to dream
to know that something happened!
I am in shock! I can not remember ever having a nightmare. But I have had dreams
that have stuck with me for years, though I only had them once. There is a power there. And now I have the strangest urge
to stay awake all night. Not out of fear of dreams, mabye out of habit or perhaps I just don't want another night to
slip away from me. I always want to be part of it.