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Mariana Seraphina's Journal
Journal April, 2002
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April...

4/24/02 This is most definately the fools journey... We all start at the beginning before we even are, 0.
And from there we stumble on in an ever changing game of archtypes and situations. Do we have any choice but to be pawns? Is it so wrong to work for more than what is been handed? And in the end why should we exchange a true world of vast possiblity for the psudeo-world of ill planned fantasy? Why when we look for adventure do we first think of a game?
Conquest? A film which we pour over popcorn during.
Yes, I am the fool and this is my journey, there can not be any pacification... Live in truth.
 
 
4/16/02 Today, almost everything went how I would have it, (for what I expected of the day) but I must say I must say I was disappointed. As if something suddenly just kicked in and I saw things as having a new beauty, one I am not accustomed to and can not readily discribe. However great this was it was terrible as well. It was like being a step closer to perfection made me notice some flaws with a new brand of scorn. There will always be a war being fought for the wrong reasons, always an injustice somewhere, everywhere. There are alot of very terrible things  we see everyday and we just get used to it. We learn not to see it, and then worse we fill things with advertisments , tanning beds and last nights scores. I know it sounds like I am down on these things, it is just they are tainted in a world that has the potential to be so beautiful. Eh, I will probably delete this tommorrow , it sounds so wierd. Any way have a great night, it's a good one.
 
 
4/10/02  I have been reading Anne Rice's novel
"Memnock the Devil" amongst a few others on my reading list, and it is almost at it's end. And though at at first I thought it was a little slow, it has won a kind of esteem in my eyes, and just when I thought I had seen Rice's best, I sit here amazed once again.
 
Yes, I know, Memnoch was published quite a while ago and by that degree I am behind in my reading duties... I think I can justify myself in this though or at least explain. I have avoided it, refused to read it and finally broke down and soaked up every last drop of it like a fiend.
 
I avoided it out of the childlike idea that if I didn't read it the story would not end. I grew up on these books. My best friend and I used to stay up until the early hours just dicussing the complexity of the charatars when we had nothing else to think about. And my favourite was Lestat, as with so many. But he was my role model for the longest time. And I think maybe that was the underlying facter in my not reading it, I didn't want to put him on the shelf. Tommorow I finish Memnoch... And the only thing that is going on the shelf is the mass of paper with words on it. I clung to the story this long because there is something I needed that I found in it. That is what I take with me.
 
 
4/8/02  I finally went to Blessings today to get flute music. My end selections were Titanic, Cats, and
Les Miserables. And it has been quite a while since I have picked up the flute (and trust me it showed when I finally did) , there was still something wonderful about it, an excitation that I had forgotten about.  First I just stared at this complexity of keys and then with fumbling, and unsure fingers I attempted a scale. It was flawed, yet it had a power to it.  Somewhere between this mass of metal and my clumbsy playing, for a second we meld together and a magic is made. Something beautiful is born. Maybe it is just my way of taking a peace of earth and breathing life into it, at least for a moment.
 
 
4/7/02 Well, I guess I have been pretty busy, I got my pictures taken today and finally got my reading glasses. I also started measuring the place I will be moving to. It feels weird, leaving what has been home for so long. I mean it isn't all that bad, I will be just as happy there. However, there is a sense of leaving something behind. Maybe it is only memories, or perhaps that I can find my way in the dark at the place I am now. I have memorized every sound the house makes and know all the good hiding places.
So, yes I guess I will be moving on, changing as is inevitable. I guess I just hope I don't lose anything as I go.
 
 
4/3/02 I have added new content to various pages, yet still far from done. This morning I was listening to an audio book of The Dali Lama's "Opening the eye of new Awareness" and the part that really stuck with me so far is when he spoke of the equality of all things on the simple basis that all things in the end want the same thing, to be happy and not to suffer.
  
I know this is a song we have all heard before but it struck me again as a song that we should hear continually. It is too easily forgotten even by me. We are all a kind of a kindred in a similar struggle, and that is a comfort in a time when survival of the fittest is the standard.